Thursday, April 16, 2009

Di Bawah Cuaca

I have been neglecting this second 'house' of mine, haven't I.

I have been feeling under the weather, apart of being disillusioned with life. Not that this is the first time (feeling disillusioned), but this time it has hit me rather hard.

So the past week have seen me pathetically wallowing in self-pity, disappointments and frustrations in the trappings of life, on top of the physical muscular pain due to house-cleaning last Sunday. Feel like I been lied to, and wasted. Like this is what a person like me is destined to, and that I should be grateful.

I certainly feel like drowning, suffocating in my own depression.

But I'm ever so grateful to be alive, nevertheless.

I don't know what or how else can I make Abang 'hear' me and take my take on things seriously. In my book, this has been the longest wait ever. The old me would have just walked away a loooo-ong time ago. I don't know what has happened to that old me. Scared, maybe? Turning dependant, maybe? Afraid of growing old alone, maybe?

I pray that patience would not run out of me, yet at the same time it won't get tested and turn me into someone I would not want to be.

I wish time could just stand still, and not rob me out of my youth and sanity.

That aside, this is RKM, feeling somewhat better, over and out for now.




nik awin said...

itu lah kak,
hidup ni macam tayar.
kejap ke atas, kejap kat bawah.
life ni kan unpredictable.

moga akak dilimpah kesabaran berpanjangan.

d'Frog Prince said...

rkm - this doesn't sound like your cheerful self at all. life is such, don't let depression get to you.

beside, do realise that life does not centre around the other person totally, you still have your own life ler.

sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit. and also, men and women think differently. sometimes, you are in their heart but you thought you are not. i know because i cared about my wife a lot but many times, she thought i don't. habih nak buat camno?

take heart that tomorrow will always be brighter and whenever you feel down, remember you still have

a) family who loves you unconditionally
b) "kids" who adores you
c) friends who cares
d) blog who never grumbles when you pour your heart out
e) air asia who can always take you out elsewhere to clear you mind

cheers and do take care. don't keep everything to heart and wallow in self pity, it does no one any good.

Roti Kacang Merah said...


abe tommyi know my cik abang cared a lot and so so much about me, certainly no doubt about it. but there's something else very very big that he's been taking it too lightly of for way too long.

you can only do so much to fill up and prove your 'worthiness', you know... at the end of the day you still end up thinking, "is this IT? for the rest of my life??"

by the way bro, berapa dibayar Air Asia ni, promote macam apa, hehehehe. thanks for the insights, that's what KorKor is for, kan? ;-D

d'Frog Prince said...

oh, i just want to add something.

don't assume that your abang knows what you are thinking. Assume is "making ASS of U and ME"

just tell him upfront and ask ler, depa lupa ka aper? you would be surprised at the answer if you really ask the question.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

abe tommy...dah tanya (and bagitau what/how I felt) dah last week... *sniff*

d'Frog Prince said...

meh hantar kat port klang, biar den ketuk kepala dia, kakaka.

if that is the case, then, sabao je lah. just give up whatever you were hoping lah, don't hope = no dissappointment = no depression.

Naz said...

If nothing helps at the moment, there is always chocolate cookies dunk in milk. Indulge yourself and then go out for some fresh air. Always work for me :)
I'm not making light of whatever you're going through but I know there will be bouts like this in all marriages. One thing about problems, they won't stay for long if you don't allow them to.
Take care, ya.

elisataufik said...


I tagged you on a few pictures on FB that might cheer you up.

that aside,
Ini lah dia asam garam berumah tangga. Taufik and I pun, bukanlah happy and beromantika sepanjang masa.. ada gak time2 tak puas hati tu. And I know how you feel.. sometimes terpikir, "If he really loves me, why wont he do things that would make me happy?". Sometimes memang kita kena demand sikit.. he might not change right away, and maybe mula2 dia keras kepala and tunjuk ego, tapi dont worry, after awhile, slow slow.. dia akan change jugak.. hey.. it's been 17 years and I am *still* waiting for 100% change (sekarang ni maybe 75% dah kot)! Just remember that he loves you, and you love him.. have faith in each other.
*hugs lagi*
chin up, ya :)

Roti Kacang Merah said...

abetommy,like i said, if it were the old me before kawin dulu, i would've just walked away already... no point wasting my youth for. i wonder where i've left the courageous ol' me.

kak naz,alaaa coming from someone who has normal BMI, your advice on cookie dunking tidak boleh diterima oleh orang BMI-obese macam alin ni, hahahaha. thank you for your thoughts on the problems, kakak...right now tak sure if leaving the problem at that would help more than 'leaving' it totally.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

elisa,gee, thanks for your thoughts... *hugs back*

on the contrary, in that sense (like you and topiktopan), i think zul and i are kinda alright in that department, hehe. ada lagi perkara lain yang dia suruh tunggu the last 4 years, but i'm so running out of time... *sniff*

Lana said...

*hugs* sabar ye..

cakapaje said...

Salam Alin,

This, has got to be the most somber entry by you. Well, those that I managed to read, anyway. Somehow, it touches me as I, we, all of us, have at one point of time or another, been there. And nothing beats having friends around to show their concern. Nothing, except for crying on the sejadah. It helps, a whole lot.

Take care.

d'Frog Prince said...

rkm, u must banish the thought of pick up and go unless it is like absolutely no end in sight. as long as there is hope, you must not give up. may be you can bring down your expectation a little, then, tak lah terasa sangat. men are not known to be perfect nor perfectionists, nor detailed, that's how God made them. guessed you have to accept them just as God made them...

pepatah cina kata, "satu malam bersuami-isteri (the correct term should be "berkelamin" ler maksudnya, *blush blush*), seratus malam terhutang (or something like terikat) - erti kata, suami isteri are meant to be "death do us part" and "lock stock and barrel"

d'Frog Prince said...

ps - terasa plak macam i nie jadi aunty agony tak bertauliah....

just take apa yang logical and buang apa yang nonsense ye, like all men, i am not perfect, merapu ntah apa2 je, kakaka.

Shabar said...

Hey faszt, I'm going to Jakarta/Bandung (with my 2nd daughter..2 org je) this 29th Apr. Wanna come along? Package is rm998 for 4d3n, everything included except airport tax n tipping. This isn't a promo on behalf of anybody...just an offer to breakaway to relax and maybe get rejuvenate...well, that's what I'll do when life gets a little rough.

Anyway, I think we're in the same boat...the part where our husbands are 10+ years of age difference (not the part where I've 3 instant package). It's seriously hard to make them 'hear' what we say and 'see' our seriousness. Obviously, men of their age have already developed their own characters, behaviors etc. To make them change even the slightest is truly an effort..

Dulu (in fact till now), selalu je makan hati when these happened. But then, I got thinking. Ways of making him see my points rely on words/actions that he used. Ni kira mcm pulang paku buah keras la. He'll feel backstabbed at first (for having to eat his own words) but you'll get his attention. And I'll keep reminding him of the issue (whatever that is) till it gets done. He will get angry during this point. Just remind him that we're married for better and worse...and you've put up with his 'worse' long enough and it's your 'worse' turn unto him. Sounds childish? are during till they reach 50!

And don't forget about the trip. Gimme a call kalau nak ikut okay? Take care...

Roti Kacang Merah said...

lana, tenchu for the hug... *hug balik...*

bro shah, well, you know, proves that in every seemingly happy souls there's still sadness within...? heh heh. isn't it strange how we don't even talk about how we feel in the real world, yet we find so many kind concern friends in the 'sphere...Alhamdulillah.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

abe tommy, a.k.a Uncle Agony... hehe. Yup, now i know, it was the "lock, stock, and barrel" concept that made me stay and wait though running out of time for me. i'm not perfect, nor a perfectionist, hence i can accept his warts and all from Day 1.. well, almost all la kan, haha. i just need him to keep to his words that he & i will lead a normal life, itu aje... sigh.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

shabar, allllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar. can go AFTER 13th june or not... aku sibuk nak pindah rumah on the 2nd May, PLUS i have a course from 28-30th april lahhhhh. huwak.

that said, aku dah plan nak pi perhentian/redang dgn kawan aku in august...hehe

and HAH! FINALLY! our husbands kena duduk together, lah. susah nak ajar orang tua faham perasaan kita, kan...?

Jumper said...

You did what are expected of us, being only humans. You felt low, you let it out, you got up and you moved on. We all have our rainy days but we have lots of sunshine too. In life sometimes we have to look harder, to see beyond the obvious state, to find the good side of a person. A little more patience pays in the end, insyallah.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

deghian meloncat, yes i pray my patience will not run out at all...Aaaamiiin...

I don't know how your wife does it, being far away from her husband...

Countess Miem said...

you are tougher than you thought! Insyallah everything will be fine :)
Jangan sedih2, we all love you.

Kaklin nk pindah rumah? Still a kondominium ke atau rumah banglo? hehe nnti mim boleh pergi melawat. haha

Anonymous said...

faszt... husband yang muda pun saaaama je... it's really an effort and hard work... sometimes it feels like as if the wives je yg kena kerja keras kan?.. hahahah... i know u dah tak larat nak dengar orang kata sabar je lah..(i hate that word!!) but there is really not much else we can do except sabar and solat... someone told me bila Allah bagi, its tenfold... so just aim high and pray hard!! u'll be fine!!! Love, Chen.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

anak menakan di jersey, love you lot too...! *hugs*

rumah teres aje lahhh...dah ada bilik pun untuk nieces and nephews dropping by!

Chen, "bila Allah bagi, its tenfold". Hey, thanks for the reminder, Chen. Awak mengingatkan ong on my own motto yang ong hampir lupa waktu emosi-emosi gini... THANK YOU, CHEEEENNN! muaks!


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