Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Al-Fatihah...: II

I hope Dijji doesn’t mind me putting this up untuk tatapan her avid followers…

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 12:24:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: "fairuz hanapiah"
Subject: Hazli selamat di kebumikan


Hazli dah selamat dikebumikan kat Coventry Walgrave Cemetery pukul 2-3pm tadi.

We arrived at Dij's house around 9.30 am... but everyone was at the hospital waiting for them to issue the death cert. Baru lah terasa bezanya meninggal kat negeri orang lain... eventhough he died 10pm the night before, there was no urgency to do the paper work I suppose cause urusan jenazah dia orang lain cara nya. Mat salleh... you have to wait till 9am baru office paper work starts. Anyway, by the time we arrived to the hospital, we were told to go to the ward... when we arrived at the ward... we were told that they had all just left.

To make a long story short, we just went straight to the mosque. When we got there, hazli baru je sampai. Dij was strong and composed. She looked tired but everyone puji and admired her strength. Ayah Hazli saw us and went straight to peluk Shiddin and menangis.

The mosque was under going major renovation work but had a proper room to bath jenazah. Since the pakistani community was in charge, we had to follow their ways... and one of them was that, women were not allowed. However, they later understood that our cultures were different and allowed all the women to see Hazli in the end.

Anak Dij yg kecik tu (4 yr old boy) ter soil his pants lak... so I hopped in Dij's car and teman her back to the house to wash him. Had a chat. Dij said his condition started deteriorating on Saturday. He was slipping to semi-unconsciousness. They decided to take him into hospital but his condition worsened on Monday. The nurse advised them to stay by his side. The last few hours, he was still able to mengaji... he did start to say things like.... "Nak pilih jalan mana ni?"... in between wake and non-wake.... and Dij jawab... jalan ALLAH. the last 40mins, he started complaining about a pain in his 'ulu hati', and the last 5 mins.... he finally fell silent and suffered very little while Dij bisik kat telinga nya.... and he went....

Dij's brother in-law dah nampak in the last hour, kaki dia start tegak, hidung dia jatuh sikit, mata nya dah start kabur.....

Dij's brother in-law flew in just a day before and helped with urusan mandi and kapan along with the pak imam. We were allowed to see him while waiting for Ayah Dij to sampai- he landed in Birm airport around 12pm. Muka hazli looked very peacefull. Mandikan dia pun kata ayahnya senang. Everything went soooo smoothly, even the forecast rain didn't come. It was clear blue sky, which aloud people to sembahyang jenazah at the car park. Ramai sangat orang berebut nak tolong. Itu rezeki hazli.

We accompanied Dij sampai ke tanah perkuburan. It was a beautiful place. Their neighbour, a pakistani family had their mother buried there a few graves away just the day before. They made sure that the graves were close so that in many years to come, everytime they would visit their mother's grave, they will visit hazli's too.

Dij was overwhelmed with people's help. Ramai offer tolong masak for the tahlil tonight and the following nights. I rasa there was almost 100+ people menolong tadi, if there wasn't it surely felt like there was.

Dij kirim salam kat semua, esp. to Myra. and offers her thanks for everyones doa's and well wishes. All in all, Dij and hazli's parents were very happy how he went. Sakitnya tak lama... sempat bertaubat dan mengucap. Sempat jumpa mak ayahnya and saudara and sahabat2nya berjumpa dan bermaafan. His last year of his life was the best... they were here spending quality time with each other, travelling and being very very happy!

The kids... the twins dah understand and you can see them crying. The girl is just quiet and bottling it up I think, but the little one.... he's another story. He knows what has happened but not to the extent of the older brothers and sister.

Well.... will visit Dij another fortnight Insya'ALLAH. I don't know what her plans are, but I'm sure she will make it known soon.

Well I'm a bit tired and will stop here. Please do contact Dij if you can.


Thanks Kak Fairuz, for the update. Lega dapat tahu cerita penuh.

SMS-ed Dijji yesterday morning M’sia time, presumably she’s either asleep to rest or sedang baca ayat-ayat suci for Hazli. Hope she received my sms.

Do tell her I’m reading Yassin for Hazli and for her & anak-anak’s strength from afar…



Kepada ahlul keluarga, saudara-mara dan kawan-kawan yang cuba menelefon atau sms saya between now till 30th Nov, and either susah nak dapat jawapan or dapat jawapan whisper-whisper ala dalam kelambu “Sorry… I’m in a meeting…!”... or even dropping-by to get sensational news/stories from the blog (as if!) tapi blog tak di update-update, please maafkan saya, ya…

Our Unit yang hanya ada beberapa kerat ni akan terpaksa bekerja keras untuk host suatu perasmian yang agak besar yang not only membabitkan Menteri-Menteri but membabitkan agenda 'political-mileage' mana-mana/siapa-siapa yang memerlukannya untuk the forthcoming Fffilihanraya.

As this will be our FIRST TIME melaksanakan an event of this scale and since I’m the Project Manager of the project yang depa nak rasmikan ni, maka, I’m really hoping that I could lose some sleep and appetite over the matter that prolly result in many many pounds of burnt fat and evaporated water.... yeayyse!!! Aaaaaaamiiin.

Nevertheless, bila-bila masa aku dah tak tahan jadi mangsa birokrasi sendiri between now and then, atau aku dah tak tahan menahan diri dari being narcissistic and the self-absorbed that I am, I, will of course, drop by.



Tuesday, October 30, 2007


An e-mail from Fairuz in Manchester ~


Dearest Friends...

Hazli (Dij's Beloved Husband) has just passed away last night around 10+ pm (UK time).

I don't know the exact details, since of all days I had left my HP at the office. Luckily Myra and Abg Ngah sent an sms to Shiddin's hp.

Was just on the phone with Dij for a few minutes... she sounded very calm but very sad. He had passed away at hospital and I'm not too sure whether she was at his side or not. She did mention that he had passed away quickly and peacefully. She sounded busy as they were arranging for his kebumian.

Shiddin and I, Insya'ALLAH will be heading off early tomorrow morning to Coventry and will update all of you accordingly.

Semoga ALLAH mengampunkan dosa-dosa Hazli and merahmati rohnya, and doakan kan lah Dij dan anak beranak kuat and redha..... as now another life's challenge, if not bigger than the one before, is upon them. Dij will need more support now then ever....


Innaalillaaahi wa’innaa ilaihi raaji’uun…

*wipe off tears*

Yesterday was also Hazli’s 38th birthday.

If only Dij dan anak-anak dapat merasai our hugs and love. Prayers to them all.

Again… AL-FATIHAH, to Hazli yang telah berjuang fighting with a later stage of stomach cancer since early September 2007...

*...a very poignant epitaph by Idham, here*


Friday, October 26, 2007

Bayi & Tucing

Betul kata Tok Rimau tentang website ni...

"Mak bapak suka sangat ambil gambar anak dan upload ke Web. Terlalu banyak foto bayi hingga kita boleh mual. Tapi yang ini lain. Kau tengok foto ni, dan engkau mungkin rasa nak segera kahwin dan nak anak cepat. Comelnya."

Hehehehehehe, tiyut tangat, kan!

Check-out also those kiddie's webpage, Kristin & Kayla. Meyyyymang kiut!


Satu hari nanti, aku harap aku atau ada sesiapa di luar sana yang akan mampu menghasilkan gambar-gambar tucing sehingga ada orang akan mampu beri komen...

"Tucing-lover suka sangat ambil gambar tucing dan upload ke Web. Terlalu banyak foto tucing hingga kita boleh mual. Tapi yang ini *insert link tucing-laden webpage, such as this* lain. Kau tengok foto ni, dan engkau mungkin rasa nak segera kahwin (apa kaitan @&%$???) dan nak bela tucing cepat. Mawwwainya."



Thursday, October 25, 2007

Ahy's Work in Impiana! II

Bought the Impiana Mag last night.

So, here it is.

click for larger view

Notice the unenthusiasm in my first two lines above???

That’s b’coz, not only they didn’t mention that it’s Ahy’s work, the writer also wrote “…hasil paduan ilham isterinya(i.e isteri Bad) ini juga…”.

With all due respect to Bad&wife (GREAT house, uols!!!), but like, wot???

From what I know, Ahy did the entire job prior to his friend Bad getting married. And if you read from Ahy’s entry on this particular job here, Ahy did mention “…And thanks again bad for trusting me. Hampir 99% idea aku tuh and hampir 95% kerje-kerje tuh aku buat sendiri…”.

Yes, from what I know, Ahy did all of the décor except, I quote Ahy, the kitchen cabinets.

Eventhough Ahy took it very lightly and eased me by saying, “Alah Kak Lin, tak pa, lah… keja tu kecik je. Banyak lagi keja-keja hebat lain dalam magazine tu… Lagipun that’s not really the greatest job I did, pun, gegegege…”, but I said, due credit is due credit, ok.

Bengang ni. Ni kerja-kerja by adik aku, tau. Donch play-play with us, can or not???

Hmph, hilang sikit kepercayaan and respect aku at the magazine.

Now, baru lah aku faham betapa pentingnya ada Hakcipta Terpelihara.



Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Ahy's Work in Impiana!

I've yet to finish my entry for our Eid in Bangi, nor have I started on our Eid in Pendang... but I'm just wayyyy too excited to share that Ahy's work's finally gotten into Impiana Magazine November issue!!!!

*clap clap clap clap!!!*

I've yet bought the issue sebab tak sempat. Ahy cakap, only 1 page aje. Aku cakap, better than nothing, what. In fact, better than Kak Lin yang dah kerja... *kira kira kira dengan tangan*... nak masuk 9 tahun tapi my work hanya pernah masuk iklan kat Maxis KLCC je.

Ish, bangga, ni! Work by a ChemEng Major dapat masuk magazine Interior Décor tersohor Malaysia!

Nanti bila dah beli, aku akan scan and share kat sini!


Monday, October 22, 2007

Our 2007 Eid ~ Bangi

*This vewy vewy long Eid journal is specially intended for my youngest bro Udi in Bath, my adik sepupu Kak Yeen in Manchester, my adik sepupu Zuf in Japan, and my mom's adik sepupu Dek Na in Kuwait... mwahs!*

Alhamdulillah… amidst me dok malas nak beraya and all that jazz, Raya this year was very fulfilling albeit in a very modest way.

Spiritually, everyone was calmer, tenang, jovial even… and in a very good mood.

I think the joy can be seen clearly on our faces, no...?


The Rosleys on Eid 2007 morning, sans Udi who is in Bath, U.K

Thursday before Raya.

Abang was still working that Thursday. So he sent the boys & I back to Bangi first that late Thursday morning. I reached home, however, to a rather quiet house. Umi Ayah ke pasar, and Ahy tengah mandi. Celi tak sampai rumah lagi from Shah Alam.

Soon after making LabuLabi comfy in the bedroom (God they were sooooo penakut of new places! Habis sorok dalam-dalam bawah my katil yang berabuk-abuk tu!), UmiAyah came back from pasar.

Masa tu muka aku dah lain macam dah, sebab I specifically told Ayah not to ask Umi to temankan dia berjalan merata-rata.

I think Umi saw my face, and quickly told me, “Umi teman Ayah pergi pasar. Tapi Umi duduk dalam kereta aje. Ayah tak kasi Umi keluar, sebab Ayah kata nanti Kak Lin marah Ayah sebab suruh Umi ikut, tengah sakit-sakit pinggang ni…”

Tau tak pa! I said.

Deep inside my heart masa tu, I was smiling coz Ayah takut jugak kalau aku marah, hehehehehehe.

Umi kata she had just feeling better since our family doc Dr.Husni gave her both painkiller and ubat gastric to go the day before. So she could then take the painkiller without having really bad gastric, and could at least walk around without rasa pitam-pitam any longer.

Nevertheless, I helped Umi like a whirlwind that day with the barang-barang pasar, as would Celi and Farhi if they were around. Farhi masa tu tengah sibuk perabiskan the last batch of cookies for home after having done all that he was selling the previous weekend.

Alhamdulillah, Ahy managed to complete his décor project (a décor of an entire apartment) and also a total of 80 boxes of cookies way ahead of time. So masa aku balik Bangi tu dia saja je nak buat cookies untuk rumah pula. Bless his soul, Ya Allah. Aaaamiiiin.

Masa ‘buka, Abang balik lewat sebab kena interview orang before the Raya break starts. Umi & I decided to buka dengan kuih je dulu, and wait for Abang. Alhamdulillah, Umi larat kulu-kiler dari pagi sampi ke malam macam tak pernah sakit! Nevertheless I made sure Umi took her painkillers and gastric, not wanting to take her condition for granted. Ayah pun nampak happy sangat with Umi’s condition. Ayah said perhaps Umi rasa seronok anak-anak dah mula balik. Perhaps so.

At night, Umi and I sat through our sewing and berborak-borak till 1am! It was really nice to be sharing stories of family matters that, I suppose, only married children would understand better. I don’t think I would take things calmer to the stories/issues that Umi shared with me that night should I were still single.

Ayah pula kept mencelah, “Selalu-selalulah balik and borak dengan Umi macam ni, Kak Lin… Umi seronok borak-borak macam ni. Sebab itu terus hilang sakit Umi…”. Perhaps so. And perhaps I will, rather than dok bergayut je kat telefon dengan Umi.

I slept late that night, alone sewing the beads to my baju Raya till 3am. Itu pun tak puas hati. Rasa nak buka balik beads tu. Tapi teruskan juga. Kalau nak buka balik, biar lepas Raya, I thought.

Friday before Raya.

In the morning, Abang balik Cheras to draw while I stayed back to do our last-minute compulsory pineapple jam tarts.

I made 4 adunans… even though that was only like 4 ½ trays of tarts, but it took from late morning to just before Asar to complete. Mujur Celi and Ahy were around to help with the jam toppings and also, what we all call as the “grilles” ~ fine strips that we cut from the dough and we lay selang-seli on the tarts supaya nampak cantik and bila simpan dalam balang would lessen the impact of the tarts melekat to the kertas minyak.

Celi so perfected her topping the jam agar tak melimpah ruah, and Ahy with grilles so meticulously done that nampak macam tangan orang perempuan yang buat! Umi pula menjahit baju Raya Celi nearby... one spot at one corner of the dry kitchen, just nearby the oven, yang Umi dah letak segala pekakas menjahit dia including the mesin jahit tepi and big huge cushions for her to rest/take naps between the sewing.

Satu hari tu Umi tak rest pun. Menjahit dari pagi, and kadang-kadang tolong lay the dough-grilles. Right after Asar, Umi terus siap-siap pekakas untuk rendang and kuah kacang segala. Risau juga dengan belakang dia, tapi Umi kata Alhamdulillah it was still bearable and she still didn’t feel too tired to work.

This Raya was rather extra special in the sense that Ayah bought kerang untuk dibuat masak rendang. Initially the kerang smelled pretty bad masa Ayah cuci and eventually Umi rebus. Tapi lepas Umi masak the kerang as rendang… huiyoooo, sedap gila!

So, that evening after Asar, Abang came back to help Umi with the parut kelapa and perah santan while Celi & Ahy helped around with other things.

One and only menantu tolong parut and perah kelapa

Aku masa tu dah letih gila sebab tidur tak cukup. So Umi let me sat down at her sewing corner to finish off my beading work.

At the end of the day after us all adik beradik dah tukar alas meja utama and keluarkan segala pinggang mangkuk sudu garpu specifically for Raya, that Raya eve, Umi managed to complete rendang kerang, and all her most infamous and much awaited rendang ayam, rendang daging and kuah kacang... and all semua of course indelibly yummeeeh!

Biasanya she’ll also do the complete jazz of rebus nasi for nasi impit and tuang dalam a few plastic tebal bekas kampit beras and then impit dengan granit alas lesung gelek. This Raya, however, Umi resorted to nasi impit plastic rebus je.But what new thing she added was a “lemang tipu” ~ pulut yang dia masak dalam microwave in the periuk Vision, and then she bungkus balut the cooked pulut dalam daun pisang in “batons” measuring 6 inches in lengths with the diameter of a typical lemang, ikat each of them with tali rapia at both ends and in the middle, finally the whole jango direbus till kering air… and voilah! Jadi la lemang instant! Terror, kan?

And you know what, she only decided to do the “lemang tipu” in the wee hours of midnite... boleh? Superwoman betul. Aku nak lelap mata pun tak sampai hati. So we both end up calling it a night around 1.20am gitu. Itupun dia kata Ayah had requested lontong for this Raya, so she said she would only do it esok pagi lepas Subuh.

Phew, I just know I won’t be able to substitute her passion for providing that much food for Raya, ever

That Raya Saturday.

Umi woke up earlier than anyone else… I woke up enough time to solat Subuh. Mujur dah siap-siap gosok baju Abang & I the night before, so tak payah kelamkabut nak sediakan sarapan nak gosok baju bagai.

The tradition of the house is that, orang-orang lelaki makan alas perut dulu sikit and pi solat sunat Raya di Masjid UKM, while the ladies stayed back berjuang di dapur dan bercantik berlawa.

So, at around 10.30am when semua dah balik dari solat, dah makan puas-puas and yang perempuan-perempuan (namely Umi la) dah bercantik segala, barulah upacara bersalam berpeluk bercium bermaafan and exchange of angpows happen.
Bermaaf-maafan dan ber-posing-an

Tengoklah kat gambar atas tu… Umi Ayah tak leh nak lepas dengan angpows they got from anak-anak, heh2. Punya lah diorang suka! Seronok tengok diorang suka! Insyaallah by Raya next year when semua dah habis belajar and mula bekerja, they will get more, InsyaAllah…

Belum puas bergambar-gambar, our first guests arrived ~ my younger cousin Neeza (aka Kakak), her policeman hubby Zul and their two lovely lovely kids. Their mom, who is Umi’s eldest sister, and the whole of their family beraya di KB dengan Ba, Ma and the rest of the Kelantan clan. I presume Zul kena bertugas that Raya and also nak balik ke kampong his side di Kluang pula, so by tradition memang Kakak&family will tandang rumah their Cik Zan first thing before ke tempat-tempat lain on the 1st Raya.

Belum puas golek-golek gomol-gomol dengan my niece and nephew, Abang kata nak pi lawat kubur Abang Umar nearby. And so we went.

Selamat Hari Raya, Abg Umar

Rupanya batu nisan dah pun naik, along with the batu bukit/granite someone had mentioned to cari for Abg Umar’s kubur. Cantik betul batunya tu.

After sedekahkan Yassin and clean up the dried leaves on his pusara, Abang decided to go visit the infamous pejuang among the circuit, Pak Lang, a.k.a Anwar’s bro-in-law and also Che’GuBard’s dad-in-law, yang sedang terlantar sakit prostate cancer which has now metastasized into bone cancer.

Boy was he so happy to see Abang. He held Abang’s hand the entire time we were there talking to him in his room for almost an hour, sampai lenguh-lenguh lengan dia.

He told us tales and stories about him and the medical students during his stays in the hospitals, also about him and Anwar dari zaman budak-budak sampai lah kena tahan ISA.

He was one of Anwar’s closest buddies before he married Anwar’s sister, you see. So, he knows how Anwar was like even before the entire nation does.

At one point, he was even on the verge of tears bila dia cerita how dulu masa zaman-zaman sekolah when Anwar announced to his kampong friends that he wanted to become a Prime Minister when he grew up, Pak Lang said, “Ehhh suuuuuuda la! Kalau kau betul jadi PM, aku akan berenti apa ja kerja aku masa tu dan jadi drebar kau!”

True enough, when Anwar got sacked in 1998, Pak Lang decided to voluntarily quit his job and became Anwar’s driver and “protector” when taking him on his campaign tour around the Peninsular.

Bergenang mata Pak Lang. Those were the days, he said.

It was really sad to leave Pak Lang. He’s deteriorating every minute as we speak. Doctors estimated that Pak Lang has a couple more months to go; but Pak Lang refused to accept other than Allah’s own estimation and will.

Kita jumpa lagi Pak Lang, dalam keadaan yang lebih sihat, ya?

Pak Lang (adik ipar DSAI, juga pejuang Reformasi) yang cekal


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Eid Mubarak 1428H


Last day of work. 11 days of break starting tomorrow.

Not sure whether it would be a peaceful and happy break. Not looking forward that much, this annual Season of Forgiveness, ‘coz there’s a huge part in me that’s still very much unwilling to fully forgive, let alone forget.

And to add salt, the person involved never really ask for (sincere) forgiveness. Takat-takat syarat mulut je, sebab it’s Hari Raya. None of the things that had happened in the person’s life seemed to stick dalam kepala and insafi diri dia.

Or maybe it does, but it sure ain’t look like it.

Kadang, naik segan dengan Abang… but I think he understands my sentiment more than I think he actually does.

Aku hanya takut aku meletup je nanti. Terlalu lama dan dah terlalu banyak aku tolong pendam.


You all beraya ke mana nanti?

We all pula - esok till 1st Raya, Abang&I will be in Bangi. Umi Ayah tak balik raya di K.B despite dengar-dengar khabar yang Ba (my atuk) got warded this morning. Umi’s lower back not getting any better, and this year her gastric’s gotten pretty unbearable. Dah 2,3 hari juga dia terpaksa buka puasa ‘coz tak tahan sangat.

(Sms-ed Ayah yesterday morning to get Umi some okras (lady’s finger; bendir) ‘coz Intan yang also gastric tika bulan puasa ni beritahu that her mom has been cooking her okras everyday during Ramadhan ‘coz lender sayur bendir ni elok untuk line the stomach masa gastric. But when I called Umi this noon, she said Ayah tak keluar beli pun semalam. So I called Ahy to singgah kedai and belikan Umi some okras for berbuka nanti. InsyaAllah there’ll be okras for Umi today, yeayyy.)

Abang & I will be shooting off to Pendang on 2nd Day Raya after sending off LabuLabi for boarding at 10am. I thought of ajak Celi to tag along, tapi melihatkan keadaan Umi yang masih tak sihat, I don’t think I would have to heart to minta izin Umi bawa Celi jalan-jalan ke Kedah. Tengok lah macam mana. Perhaps, macam last year, Umi izinkan. Still pretty unpredictable to predict.

So, there’ll be a kenduri ‘qeqah for Abang’s lil bro’s new baby on the 3rd Day Raya and Abang’s Family Day at Pendang Resort (iyyyeaaaaar, Pendang got Resort, tauuuu!) on the 4th Day Raya.

5th Day Raya kami akan balik ke K.L, and gotta reach by 9pm to get LabuLabi from boarding.

Recuperate and kemas-kemas rumah on 6th Day Raya, and perhaps back to Bangi on the 7th, 8th and perhaps 9th Raya as well.

10th Raya mula kerja. So, only then would I prolly be able to update my blog.

And Abang will be having his paper deadline on the 11th Raya.

Ish. Kejaaaaaaap je dah nak Raya, kan…?

Boring betul.


Maka, on that note (of the Raya spirit)…

….Eid Mubarak to everyone dropping-by here, especially to my kid bro, cousins and friends scattering around U.K (Udi, Kak Lin minta maaf tak hantar-hantar kad Raya ke Udi, ya??? Hope you’ll enjoy the DVDs I sent you, though!!! Love you, ‘Dik!!! Muah!); my cousins, relatives and friends scattering around the globe; my cousins, relatives and friends scattering around in Malaysia; my dear-dear blogger friends and silent readers… maafkanlah segala salah silap terkasar bahasa terguris jiwa, and halakanlah makan minum serta umpat cerca kami, ya???

Sesunggunya blog ini adalah sekadar tempat luahan rasa dan cerita. Kalau ada yang pernah terasa, minta maaf sangat-sangat, ya. Tak berniat nak lukakan sesiapa melainkan diri sendiri yang terasa terluka dahulu.

Ok, Ok kami pun maafkan dan halalkan makan minum semuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaa orang… kecuali lah ada 2,3 orang-orang jahat yang tak boleh kami namakan di sini. Hahahahaha. Ya, ya sedangkan Rasul Allah (s.a.w) pun ampunkan Umatnya, so, insyaAllah kami akan cuba maaf dan halalkan.

Have a safe journey and a healthy Raya, everyone (kot la ada sapa terasa nak qada’ makan puas-puas). Dan semoga berkat dan rahmat Ramadhan dipanjangkan juga ke dalam Syawal yang mendatang, Aaaamiiin!

Love all!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

My Honey and My Moon

*sms buzz*
This morning's moon... for your collection.
28-09-07, 06:18

A photo from an old friend...

Last Thursday night the 27th could've been my perfect dying day ~ Khamis malam Jumaat, hari ke-15 bulan Islam hence malam bulan penuh, and bulan Ramadhan. Dan bulan penuh kali ni saaaaaaangat terang, it just took my breath away!

Oh how I wished Abang shares this sentiment of mine. Or maybe not just yet, at least. Albeit it's almost our 2nd year of marriage.

Come to think of it, I don't think he's even bothered about it. Like, say, if he goes outstation without me and then sees the fullmoon, the sight would just pass through his eyes. Pity huh? The most beautiful thing that happens, if you're lucky, for as long as 4 days in a month and people tend to take that for granted.

I've yet to go for a 'Moon Holiday with Abang. I've yet to have real unforgettable memories of/with Abang when I see the fullmoon. I've had bountifuls of fullmoon memories with my siblings, best-mates *waves to Fairuz, Steve Devlin, Kak Apis, Anna, Zack, etc* and old lovers, but no, I don't have any with Abang just yet. How I wished I do.

But my Honey... he doesn't deem it too important as much as I deem it so. I wished he could understand why at times I badly need him to share my Moon and create a memory of him when I see it. He is, after all, my husband... of all the people in the world that I would want to share my fullmoon with.


Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Our Unfolding Lives

The week since last Wednesday that I took leave to become Farhi’s driver delivering his kukis has been, well, emotionally disconcerting for me.

Perhaps, it’s almost that time of the month... and ‘tis the most perfect time for all sorts of emotions to be amplified, yes?

First, Umi had been having really bad lower back pain this time (and now you know where I got it from, aye?). She’s been having it since last week’s Tuesday, and yet in her pain she had been going around accompanying Ayah for his business appointments and even as petty as getting energy-saving white bulbs in Tesc00 for my bro in Bath.

I... I just don’t understand why Ayah could not let Umi rest instead and not requesting her to accompany him that much when she’s clearly in pain. Oh of course I know why Umi obliged, just that, again, I’m still not ready to divulge the reason in public. And yet after the outings, instead of giving herself a break she would still cook and prepare the dishes for iftar amid the torturing pain.

Of course I’m thankful that Farhi had been a great help to Umi over the weekdays even though he himself has been busy baking the cookies all by himself (and there’s Kak Celi to help Umi over the weekends, too). Sometimes even Said chipped in and offered to buy lauk to ease Umi’s burden. But Ayah being the inflexible as he has been all my life knowing him, would not prefer outside food and would eventually use that as an excuse to... well, do silly silly things.

So, that Wednesday, after making rounds of deliveries, I stayed back for a while to help Umi as much as I could for the day’s iftar. Of course I had to go back to Cheras to get food for Abang before the office-folks started streaming out early in this month of Ramadhan. Sigh. My heart aches having to leave Umi.

Even in pain she made kari kepala ikan and kuih sagu for Abang… both of which are Abang’s favourites.

As usual, I’d salam and peluk cium Umi before I leave, and I realized how frail and fragile she felt in my arms this time round. My heart sank so much that evening ~ to me, Umi has always been the physically and emotionally strong one. Perhaps, Umi ‘getting old’ never really registered up in my head… until that moment.

I cried in the car. I felt so…. trapped. I wanted to take her away from the life she’s been living, the pain and hurt she’s been carrying the last 3 decades, that fake smile she’s been putting up in front of everyone, defending her life with her own life.

Oh how I wished I could do something about the situation. Like, taking Umi away from all the hullabaloos, tuck her in safely at my house instead and let her do all the sewing and watching TV or DVDs that she wants and truly deserves without having to think of other people apart from herself...

Aighhh, rasa macam nak nangis, lah.... rasa helpless gila. Rasa macam a worthless daughter I felt.

On Thursday, Umi demam. She had to break fast to get injection and makan ubat. Maybe that was the cause of the back pain ~ petanda nak demam. Still, she was up and about ntah ke mana-mana meneman Ayah. Aiyoh, please lah.

Come Friday, Umi told me she’s getting better. But on Sunday when Abang & I were supposed to berbuka di Bangi, she complained of yet another bad back-pain and requested help from me in the kitchen, just an hour’s away from iftar. An hour’s away from iftar. By the time kami sampai Bangi, dah nak berbuka dah!

If she could’ve told us way earlier, both of us wouldn’t be running errands sampai ke Batang Berjuntai that day, having clocking mileage almost 200km just on Sunday itself. We could’ve re-arranged whatever it needed to be re-arranged (though at that particular time, we just had to do the errands ‘coz there’s no other way about it). Abang even asked Umi not to cook extensively like she always would for her only menantu and Abang even offered to take everyone out for an iftar treat, but of course the offer was declined ‘coz tak sure Ayah would like the idea or not.

Aighhh. Why la benda yang boleh di-simplify simply tak boleh (or rather, tak mahu) di-simplified???

That Sunday night after kemas-kemas everything in Umi’s kitchen, I went upstairs to see Umi who had dozed off right after performing her Maghrib prayers. I woke her up gently, salam peluk and said thank you thank you thank you and my heart sank again just to feel her such frail and bony hands in mine. She’s grown so old, right before my eyes, and…. ah, susahnya aku nak menerima hakikat ni…

I remembered asking Umi this before. Is it just worth it, living in pain like that rather than being alone???

And she said, to my dismay, yes.

Perhaps, I still have so much to learn in life.

*wipes tears in eyes*

That’s only one drop in the ocean. One initial small ripple that occasionally rise and surge to become huge overwhelming waves...

And of course, there’s the Nurin tragedy, and then I found out about the loss of loved ones for blogger Madam Ood and renowned wedding photographer Saiful Nang, each lost their mothers a few days before Ramadhan, and their pieces and grievances so beautifully written that I cried. I cried, mostly for fear of having my own ‘regrets’, I suppose...

Yet the biggest distressing news for my friends and I was when we found out that an old friend of ours, D, who is now a mother of four and living in England following her husband having to work there, is going through one of the biggest trials in her life when they found out that the husband has the C, just last Tuesday.

Just when I was so eager having discovered her on FaceBook last Saturday night and was about to add her as a friend, at the same time I received a disturbing e-mail from Fairuz in Manchester regarding D’s predicament and quickly googled for D’s blog... "pause to reflect".

Oh, D. How we wished you’re all here in M’sia. Ni boleh kirim du’a dan peluk cium dari jauh je…

Ya Allah, singkatnya kebahagiaan dan kesempurnaan hidup yang Kau kurniakan kepada kami, Ya Allah! Kau kurniakanlah kepada kami semua, terutama sekali kepada Ibuku serta Ibu suamiku, rakan-rakanku serta mereka-mereka yang lain yang ditimpa ujian, akan kekuatan yang lebih! Kalau aku mampu, akan ku kongsi mana-mana kekuatanku yang ada, tapi betapa aku sedar aku sendiri tak mampu selain dari hanya berdu’a kepadaMu! Aaaaamin.

Oh, I need to cry for a bit now...

Perhaps, it’s almost that time of the month... and all sorts of emotions are just being amplified.


ps: and oh... the killings in Myanmar of thousands of Buddhist monks yang terkenal dengan falsafah keamanan... how could we become so cold? :'-(

It's ironic that things have become more expensive these days, but life itself has become cheaper by the seconds...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Alim-Alim Kucing: Rephrased

Mati-mati aku ingat Labi tengah sembahyang. Kot la, sembahyang sunat sebelum Dzuhur, ke.


... laaa, sampai tersembam tertidoq dia berwirid, ya.

Comel, ni.



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