Thursday, May 03, 2007

My First Love

Today, the 3rd of May 2007, is my First Love's akadnikah.

As much as I've tried getting inspiration from Mukhsin to document my own experience, for me it's still not a straightforward and painless excercise eventhough (almost exactly) seven years have passed. Especially so when you're now married and your husband drops by to read your blog every so often.

The First Love, who was my best mate and soulmate of 7 years of close but platonic friendship, left me after 2 years of serious courtship and 6 months of engagement, which was 4 months down the road to our Big Day. That's 9 1/2 years of very very very close relationship.

Aku kenal Abang pun masih tak selama itu. What I'm having now with Abang pun masih tak boleh lawan with the amount of dreams and plans and memories and letters and songs and videos and movies and poems and keepsakes and photos I had with the First Love. There are way too many of them, and I still keep them all in boxes at my parent's home.

I remember the first time he "approached" me. It was summer of '97, both of us in Malaysia. I was driving him back home after an outing at the movies. I told him about my break-up with my then Singaporean boyfriend. He just kept quiet about it, and suddenly said, "Buat apa awak cari jauh-jauh... yang kat depan mata kan dah ada?", and then he looked at me for approval. I looked back at him, laughing my head away, and said, "Awak ni, betul ke???". And he, unperturbed, replied, "...sungguh."

And then I had to go back to the UK for my post-grad, and leave him in M'sia, stuck in the rut among the bad recession. It took me some 5 months to think over his "proposal". It was on his birthday in Mid-November that I agreed to get serious with him. And then it took me another two days to be able to call him back in M'sia and balas verbally his "I Love You". Heh, dia tergolek kesukaan, I remember that.

Oh those were the fine ol' days of first love...

We had way so many fullmoon-memories together, eversince our MRSM days. The fullmoon has been the one thing we hold on to since we were friends at 17; he thinks of me whenever he sees the moon (because he knows I'm crazy over the fullmoon), and I him. He sms-ed me on fullmoon nights, sometimes. The last being yesterday. His text only says "bulan". And I said, "yes, since Sunday night".

We practically "grew up" together... from 17 till 27. I went to ALL of his graduations ~ Form 5 graduation, A-Levels graduation, NCUK graduation, University graduation. We had anniversaries of just about anything and everything. There were no one else in each other's hearts except each other.

Whenever he smells Body Shop's "Fuzzy Peach", he'll think of me. And I could spot someone with Jean Paul Gaultier's a mile away and automatically think of him.

We love the theaters, the international movies, the thinking-films. We SO love Yasmin Ahmad's films. We love spending time in bookstores, we love reading over cups of coffee.

We have similar handwritings; similar fingers and fingernails.

We had the strongest telepathy over each other ever. We used to call it, "tele-pathetic".

He used to tell me that I overwhelmed him all the time, for all the thots, prezzies, poems and such. And he used to impress me with his writings that I love reading. I still keep all his letters and most of his emails.

In short, what we had had the likeness of Mukhsin&Orked. Our affection & fondness towards each other was inexplicably so very deep and intense, no one could understand why it was very hard for us to let go of "us". Even after all those years.

And then, not seeing it coming at all, he dropped the bomb. It was on a Tuesday, 9th May 2000. The day that changed me and my life.

I don't know about him, but I cried for him for Four Long Years; and between that, we almost got back together on a couple of occasions, but I had to stick to the fact that my equally-hurt parents may not easily forget how hurt I was when he left. That fact alone, I know, would make neither of us happy ever after.

All this said, I still feel the need to tread over the matter really carefully and not take Abang's lax feelings over the matter for granted.

Abang has been very very very supportive, though. I told Abang I cannot at all explain neither to him nor to myself of the tears over the impending (akadnikah)occasion. But Abang explained to me that it's only natural that when one has very deep emotional connection over each other for a very very long time, it's never easy to let go walaupun kita tahu that even given the chance now, the First Love would not be the First Choice.

Itu lah kelebihannya berkahwin dengan orang yang jauh lebih matang, I find. I would be dead jealous if it would be him who's crying over his First Love. Tapi, bagi Abang, perkara ni terlalu remeh untuk dicemburukan. For him, kalau cemburu pun, tak dapat pulangan apa. Might as well he gives more love and support so that I could have easier time mending whatever I still have to mend so that in return I could love My Husband even more. Ibarat tarik rambut di tepung.

But, you know, just like my First Love's (step)Mak, the famously known Mak Mah, told him: "Itulah Allah."

Everything happens for a reason. As much as I was heartbroken, as I grow older and wiser, I know he wouldn't be strong enough to stand the kerenah and complexities of my family as Abang has splendidly been.

I know his past would probably catch-up on both of us and finally eating us up.

I know his jihad is fairly straightforward and clear-cut while mine more complicated.

And with just that, I just know that Abang is the Godsent in my life just now.


Selamat Pengantin Baru, Yussof dan Shuhaiella.

Semoga panjang jodoh, murah rezki dan dikurniakan ramai anak seperti yang diimpikan. We'll see you on your bersanding day on the 10th of June, insyaAllah.

And my love too to your ever warm and wonderful clans who never fail to extend their love to me with the warmest of reception and big huge hugs and kisses, up till now.



rotidua said...

kenapa tak jadi? kenapa kenapa? suker je nak tambah pengetahuan kan

Roti Kacang Merah said...

dah agak, PASTI akan ditanya, hehehehehe.

Suffice to say, no third party whatsoever, nothing on family matters. but very very personal reasons to him (of course lah i tahu, but can't tell).

pening tak? ihik.

sempoii said...

dont cry..mebbe you deserve the "bestest" man for your life..

smile :)

Roti Kacang Merah said...

you are so very correct!

that's one of the biggest lessons in my life:

Allah says YES, and gives you what you want;
Allah says NO, and gives you something better;
Allah says WAIT, and gives you The Best in His own time!

sempoi kan? ;-)

Anonymous said...

The past was "hari itu dalam sejarah", get "totally" over it. You had " much2 better" ahead... jangan lagi pandang belakang.

Amy said...

Kak Lin ...wahHh.. senyum jek Amy baca. iSk tapi kan, kak Lin okeh ke to go to his wedding? Kalau Amy, tak tahu lah..I don't think I'm as strong as you.

fudzail said...

Yr abang was in dubai with DSAI few months earlier before akadnikah, both with zul noordin and other activists were at my house.
Yr abang had some shopping sprees for hadiah akad nikah and were brought around with friends here.

And I am still waiting for his autographed book for us!

Tell Zunar that!

sempoii said...

yerp..totally correct.

nak kopipes reply kak rot tu letak kat blog ek? ;p

Roti Kacang Merah said...

hi Amy!
InsyaAllah, kak lin pergi sebab dulu dia pun dtg my wedding with his Lady. Abg Zul akan ada di sebelah Kak Lin, jadi Kak Lin tak perlu takut apa, kan? Lagipun, I'll be going more for the sake of his ever so warm family!

hi the infamous Fudzail!
Hahahaha, mana ada hadiah akad nikah fr dubai, only a perfume je. hehe

have told zunar about the autographed book. his reply was:
"Bila nak balik??? Pasal buku tu, boleh diuruskaaaaaan tak da halllll".

PASTI boleh!!!! Itu mantra i for the past 5 years wo!!! :-D

goboklama said...

my turn to tell all? Will try my best. The hurts, I've been there once..

Roti Kacang Merah said...

yes yes your turn, yes! *grins*

Anonymous said...

hi you,
been friends with him (& you)for years but i have no idea about the depth of your relationship with him until i read this story. my hearts goes to both of you, but i know that it's not easy for him either. he was sad too when you got married. but alhamdulillah both of you telah ditakdirkan untuk berjumpa (& married to) a great person.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

hey zaila!
vewy vewy nice of you to drop by! :-) *hugs*

Lama tak jumpa awak. Hope you & eda are doing swell!

mujur i tak cerita dengan lebih detail lagi pasal kisah cinta ni, kalau tak, pasti you akan tangkap nangis punya, hehehehe

love to all!

Miem said...


Allah says WAIT, and gives you The Best in His own time!
=he gave u PAkngah..n US tooo..hehe

Roti Kacang Merah said...

Miem My Lovely Niece,
iyyyeaaaaarrrr betowlll.

Allah wants me to WAIT and gives me PakNgah and HIS MOST ADORABLE & FUN LOT!!!! Syukuuuuur Kak Lin dapat u guys...

Kate said...

Nice to hear about your first love and thanks for sharing your past!I'm really sorry to hear all that you went through.Anyways be optimistic and have fun!

Roti Kacang Merah said...

Kate, thanks for dropping-by!

Omecool20 said...

if he is who I think he is .. he kinda ruined my firstlove masa MRSM dulu .. dang the memories !

Roti Kacang Merah said...

helo helo azmir
SILA kongsi, ok ;-p

Omecool20 said...

:) .. hmmm... maybe I should .. waa... sure drama if I do it. ;-)

Iron Butterfly said...

huwaaa.. Kak Lin.. I have so many things to say but they are all jumbled up!

1. i also had this kinda love. not First Love, but always referred to as Cinta Agong when talking about him with friends.

2. we also had the 'tele-pathetic' thing. I would suddenly run up to my room to pick up my phone when I FELT (x dengar bunyi phone sebab kat aras lain) that he's looking for me (calling or texting)

3. I attended all my exes' wedding. Tapi cinta agong tak kawen lagi arr..

4. It's great that you can talk about the past, and cherish it. I have a handful of people who told me to let go of the past. I AM over him, it's just that I feel if we let go of the past, then when we look back, what we'll see is only a blank canvas. because you spent so much time with that person. Kan Kak Lin kan?

5. And it's rare to have someone like your Abang. WHo doesnt mind that you write about your past love. Kalau orang lain memang jeles habis and will keep on telling you to erase the past dah kan!

Iron Butterfly said...

owh, and I cried for him for 2 years (between form 3 - form 5), then after we reconcile and broke up again, I mourned for him for 3 LONG YEARS. I had no one after him. It has been hmmm... (jap nak kire) almost 6 YEARS since we broke up for good.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

ear kupu-kupu seterika [i love calling you that, don't i, hahaha]
sila jangan bercerita dalam blog orang lain sahaja, ok....kongsi juga dalam blog anda, plis!!! hehehehehe *muka kaki gossip*

therapeutic, tau. you may want to consider writing about it, you know. when i read back this entry, i find that i've almost forgotten the details like what i have written. am glad that i wrote what i wrote.

my next long overdue project is to write about abg zul and i. long, long overdue!


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