Friday, December 22, 2006

Life's T W I S T E D Transistor

I think, growing-up into adulthood in a super-possessive family is extremely difficult for us siblings.

Mind you though, we have a super-woman Mom who worked by day but woke-up at 5am every single morning to check our schoolwork and then make us breakfast and lunch; came back home to prepare dinner before shuttling off for another assignments at times (hello, Bangi-K.L is jauh what with the jam, okay); took her nap in the study room every night just to keep her kids company while doing their schoolwork; ironed our school clothes and her husband’s working clothes on Saturday or Sunday nights; did the weekly visitation to any of her kids yang masuk asrama be it in Malacca, Lembah Beringin or nearby Cheras (yes, weekly. ‘Coz both she and dad tak sampai hati tak jenguk anak every week).

And we have a dad who’s a damn tough disciplinarian who physically or mentally punish us when things go wrong, big or small, but at the same time loves us to bits, showers us with material conveniences, and we never never been lack of affection and food (Oh, dah tua-tua ni, he's cooled down so so much on the punishing, by the way. Alhamdulillah!)

They trained us to be very very useful around the house, no excuses apart from sakit or perlu study. 'Twas a good training, though... relatives and friends love us being at their homes 'coz we are all ringan tulang. Uncles, Aunts and gramps look highly upon my parents for instilling such values... love and respect among siblings, and always always around at hand.

Little do these people know that we the siblings are expected to be superhumans, or even more.

However, we are forever their babies,you know... forever. Forever expected to go dependant on them and they would be happily provide ‘coz dependency validates their existence and their being. Without our dependency, they feel useless... at least that’s what we were made to understand.

Man, it was difficult to not be their babies and grow out of it... for each and everyone of us adik-beradik. Little small issues would be overblown and exaggerated which eventually would make us sound like we are some anak derhaka or something. Comparisons with other kids or cousins (whose parents are treating similar issues or situation differently but somewhat more logical and very much less emotional) will be met with baffling amount of unjustified frustrations, tears, anguish and stress… it’s just beyond explanation.

We were brought up to understand that these are the things what most parents are made of, which is partially true and sometimes worse. But in our case, so much so, all of us most of the times would be laden with super guilt-feeling to grow-up, grow old and mature. One moment all of us are like one big huge super happy family yang semua orang nak jadi part of; another, everyone in the family jadi highly-charged drama queens and kings with uncontrollable emotions over some plain ordinary issues.

We ‘mature-up’ wondering… is this normal? Or just plain habitual?

As I am the eldest with a good 7 to 11-year gap between me and my siblings, I've promised myself years ago that I would be the best kakak and referral-point to my siblings when they grow up. ‘Coz when I was ‘maturing-up’ and learning about life, I had no referral point(s). There’s this big huge generation gap between me and my folks ~ emotionally I been in and out of trouble God knows so many times and was in dire need to be helped and consulted upon, but I had no one whom I fully trusted that I could turn to and understand the situations I was in and see them level-headedly.

A few times I even felt like quitting life. I would be questioning whether I ni pembawak malang, attracting nonsense and more pain, pain and pain. Some may resort to cigarettes, alcohol or even drugs in times like this. Alhamdulillah, for some reason, I chose not to. And there’s always Allah, and a few really really close souls who’d be coming to the rescue at the 11th hour (thank you my cousin Abg.Yuz; friends Kak Fairuz, Kak Siti & Remo; and my greatest Sifu on Life ever, Mr. SM Voon of NVT Architects ~ thank you, Sir, for your wisdom and patience!!!).

I promised myself that I would not want my adik-adik to go through life alone, though I realized most of the times I failed in that area. At times, you just build walls to protect your healing inner-self that you tend to act selfishly even to your loved ones. I know I would be there for them whenever they needed me and I think they know they could always count on me, but I know too that am not ‘there’ enough.

Adik-adik apparently grow up to be very very well-mannered, educated, sopan and most loveable, alhamdulillah. Apart from my husband, I just don’t have enough words to describe how they are all my most pride and joy. Even though at times they were close to succumbing to life’s failures when making life decisions, but I’ve witnessed how strong-willed each of them has become.

We rejoice brashly over each other’s achievements. We also get hurt and cry quietly & silently whenever we see the other siblings get hurt and cry. .. which have been quite a lot and very much life-rendering.

And so when I read entries such as this on my brother’s blog, I know I’ve not been a very good sister as what I’ve promised myself to become. I’m sorry, Dearest. I just felt like taking all of you away, heal you from all the past anguish and hurt. Don’t you just wish sometimes you could reboot your brains and start life fresh and anew???


I read The Sun yesterday about Bi-Polar Disorder: Manic Depression. Apparently, it can be genetic, and a lot of famous persons suffer from this, namely Robin Williams, Adolf Hitler, Van Gogh, Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway to name a few… how ‘bout that??? Listening to Alanis Morissette, I strongly believe she’s one, too. Heh.

Reading on further prompted me to search websites on the matter. I sms-ed my siblings on the article and websites. The disorder explains the family so much. I don’t think it’s so much of a disease, but an uncontrolled situation which, over a long period of unattended tendencies may cause extremities of euphoric happiness or unexplained depression. I bet ya a lot of you guys out there suffer the same. Read here. And if in any case that anything that you read applies to you or family or friends, then you’ll understand a hell lot of the situations better.

Which is what the case of my sibling and I yesterday ~ for once, we understand our predicaments better. And we acknowledge that we may need help. For the sake of sanity, especially to those beloved like Abang...



Anonymous said...

Upon reading this, I couldn't help myself but to cry. I never see you fail being the most wonderfull sister.

I'll always remember dulu kak lin slalu buat kerje2 melukis Pendidikan seni Fahy smpai cikgu puji and thot fahy yg lukis. I'll always remember yg kak lin stay-up late just to melukis my Dinosour scrap book yg fahy menangis sbb tak sempat siap. I'll always remember the postcards, birthday gifts from UK yg kak Lin post sampai ke MRSM Jasin. I'll always remember how you stood up for me kalau umi-ayah bising2 abt me. And list still go on.

I always anggap u're such a wonderfull sister, with kind words yg lift ppl up kalau they need help. Cuma sometimes fahy rase sungguh malu nak berhadapan dgn org, so much kelemahan hingga i don't want oter to see my weaknesses. Sometimes it hurts so much sampai i don't want to see other ppl and I don't want u to have my pain or to feel my pain.

But Alhamdulillah, I always believe that kegembiraan akan dtg selepas kepayahan. So, bg Fahy tu satu harapan ntuk fahy. Fahy tau bnyak2 bender yg fahy struggle, Allah bg senang2 jer lepas tu, yg fahy never thought i will achieve it. I'm so gratefull for that.

But now i'm so bersyukur kat Allah, umi and ayah getting better lepas kejadian umi ayah ngan fahy arituh. Umi even ckp ayah mengaku kesalah dier. Da pun fahy rase getting better lepas kene tangkap arituh. For the first time Fahy denga umi ckp lembut ngan Da setelah berapa lama Umi never do that to her. Da pun fahy tengk makin rajin. Even Ayah dah laid back sket abt me having dinner together or not. I'm so so so bersyukur for that. Alhamdulillah.

Just pray for me. I know I will do something gud soon. I may give-up once, but i'll never give-up twice.

Love you lots of lots of love. And please don't worry abt me too much.

Roti Kacang Merah said...

:") I cried reading your entry and your comment here, too...!

I wished I could do a hell lot more to make everyone of us in the family happy. I really do. I love you and kak celi and udi loads and loads and loads...! I cannot imagine life without you guys... i really can't.

Dari kejauhan Kak Lin doakan Aban selalu... u take care, ok? I'm so proud of your work and your strong-will... I really do!

Love Do Be!

adik said...

mmm... really respect both of ur parents.. nampak sgt dorg betul2 sayang kat anak2 and nak anak dorg nih jadik anak yg berjaya dalam segala segi dunia & akhirat.. so, dat's why dorg keep pushing u guys to the limits, protective, possessive and all... ini mmg their parenting style kots.. mmm, i do feel a teeny bit envious of u guys coz ada parents camnih.. wish dat my parents were the same..

so sori sebab adik nak jadik penyibuk sikit (sikit jer tau).. utk kak lin dan adik-beradik, tanamkanlah sifat "REDHA" dalam diri.. Allah takkan uji seseorang hambanya dengan bebanan yang tak mampu hamba itu pikul.. mmm, korang dah pikul bebanan nih agak lama and sebenarnya korang mampu untuk pikul bebanan tersebut.. just be more accepting of the whole situation.. redhailah apa2 yg telah berlaku, sedang berlaku dan akan berlaku selepas nih.. bila kita ada sifat redha, walau apa2 pun yg berlaku kat kita, kita akan dpt terima dengan hati yg tenang.. insya Allah, everything will turn out alright

p/s: di saat2 yg genting, pabila hati tidak tenang, pabila jiwa rasa kosong, pabila diri rasa tertekan, pabila kemurungan menyelubungi diri, perbanyakkanlah zikir kepadaNya, perbanyakkanlah amalan2 mu.. spt kata Dr Fadzilah Kamsah "Apabila berlakunya konfrantasi dengan manusia, perbaikilah hubungan anda dengan Allah. Insya Allah, Allah akan perbaiki hubungan anda sesama manusia."

Roti Kacang Merah said...

Hi adik

Betul tu.... EVERY SINGLE WORD you said. Kami semua memang redha & sabar... kalau tak, dah lama give-up...!!!

You can find thousands of friends or kekasih bersilih ganti... namun, mak ayah? adik-adik? there could be no substitute for them... not even one! ever!

thanks, adik!! :-D

The "Y" said...

What I used to do is gather all this emotions/frustrations and put it in a small imaginary box and save it in really really deep inside to an almost nonexistent part off the brain...:D
well, we only use 5% of the brain, still got lots of space left
Symptoms does surfaces sometimes (not to often) such as a nervous twitch, bloody eyes, excessive sweating, voices in the head... it all goes away in the small box again...:P
sigh! I need weed

Anonymous said...

to have a younger brother wrote beautifully abt you, appreciate u, look up to u; are one of the best thing that could happen to a sister.

you must be one very wonderful sister to have so much love embracing u at every moment.

Roti Kacang Merah said...


i reckon, for every action, there's always a reaction ~ my adik-adik, family, relatives, and friends like you have been wonderful to me, alhamdulillah... hence it's only right to be equally wonderful to them all too, kan! ;-)


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