1. ... that it is very very frustrating and deeply discouraging to be a woman architect in this male dominated "conservative" working environment. I've worked doubly-hard, tried my best to not only be as competent but also more competent than my other counterparts. I've achieved it by being individually picked among tens of other architects in the organisation to join the other two super-seniors to spearhead a new unit.
Only to be sidelined after all the details and work that I've done and attended to personally.
It's doubly frustrating having to fight to maintain my standards and principles all the time without the required professional back-up. It's frustrating that after all the lessons from the hardship in the profession that I've gone through firsthand, they don't seem to be applicable here where I work at present.
It's like there's a certain stance, that I'm a woman and it's okay to be sidelined. More so when your superiors are none in your line and none understands your line of duty and dilemmas. Well, at least one of them doesn't.
Like, that I'm a woman and it's okay to compromise on my integrity and dignity.
I bet it's a different note altogether should I be a man instead.
Man I miss my previous sifu-superiors, Mr. SM Voon and Mr. JS.
A whole lot.
2. ... that the feeling of being a newly-wed room-mate instead of a wife almost every other day of the week and especially so during the weekend is escalating further, up to almost a very dangerous level, on my part, that is. It's making me yearn and pine for the things that I've lost, for the past that had hurt me the most. And it's making my self esteem and confidence very low at the moment. Very low.
And what's happening at the office does not help any better, either.
One of the first hurdles, I guess...
And man do I miss my siblings so much. So much.
3. ... that I miss my siblings, a whole damn lot. I miss going out on outings with them. I cried to sleep the past two nights, thinking of them.
I miss my youngest baby bro in Bath the most. Haven't spoken to him for so many moons. I bought i-talk last night and spoke to him for almost an hour. Here's the baby-bro, who is 11 years younger than I am, that I took care of the most when he was a baby. Mom&Dad went for the haj when he was 7 mths old and I 12. Me being the eldest, it was I who took care of his nappies at night, bottles, milk, etc. He and his elder sister would even sleep with me at nights and not with the maids or my gramps who came over to look after us while our parents were away.
This was also the baby-bro that I urut-urut him whenever he was sickly all the time when he was 3. He would vomit into a basin with his legs wrapped around it, while I would sit behind him with my legs wrapped around his, and I would massage his back for him to ease the pain. And so forth. And so, I miss him a lot.
And I can SO talk about my siblings... all my sis and bros. And also the additional angkat ones, too. I love them to bits, it's beyond words. Beyond. But that could be of another entry to tell.
Man I miss them a lot.
A whole lot.
Man do I need a break from all these. Could've agreed to go for that 4-day course in Temasek next week. Could've.
Today is the 1st birthday in the matrimony to be celebrated together. Praying that there would be more to come.
Happy Birthday, Dearest. And thank you for all the world's concerns for my happiness all the time and always. Hope you like the surprise I sent you over at your office. Much love.